THE TILES OF MY HEART

For decades I had either ignored God or was at times outright hostile to Him. It was a desolate existence, built on stubbornness and pride. Deep in my heart I knew there was more. About four years ago I was drawn into a search, and after considerable reading and contemplation, I came to accept Christ as my Savior. What I did not know at the time, but what I am now starting to learn, is that my decision was only a start. My pilgrimage had only begun.

For quite some time I had struggled with what I sensed was a paradox: Christianity is at once both the simplest thing in the world, and the most difficult. In the book Basic Christianity, John R. W. Stott writes, “Christianity is no mere passive acquiescence in a series of propositions, however true.” That is an intellectual faith. We must, Stott writes, “make a personal response to Jesus Christ, committing ourselves unreservedly to him as our Savior and Lord.” That is a trusting faith. It is on the one hand quite simple: Trust in Jesus as my Savior. It is on the other hand quite difficult: Trust completely in Jesus as my Savior.

Was I reading too much into this? I didn’t think so: To my eye it sure appeared as if Jesus himself made no effort to suggest following him was intended to be easy. “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me (Mark 8: 34).” Deny myself ? Take up my cross? That didn’t sound easy at all.

To get a handle on this, I tried to imagine my heart as a room comprised of 100 square tiles on its floor. I imagined Jesus pointing to those tiles and saying: “All of them. I want every one of those tiles. Trust me.” I asked myself: How many had I really given up? In truth, I had let Jesus in the door of my heart, but I was limiting how much of my heart I was willing to surrender. I came to realize that the maturity of my Christian faith was measured by just a small fraction of those tiles. Further, I sensed that by my own efforts I may not be able to completely surrender to Christ. I began to question and doubt.

Then two verses of scripture came to mind: “Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you (Psalm 9:10).” and “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find (Matthew 7:7).”

The simplicity returned. God invites us to seek Him, so that we may know Him, so that we may love Him, so that we may trust Him. God offers His assistance. “Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find.” So I prayed, “Father, reveal more of your Son to me so that I might trust enough to surrender to Him another piece of my heart.”

And so it was that a few more tiles were given up to Christ. Stubbornly I cling to many more. But I count as a blessing my awareness of this. For only by knowing that I have a pilgrimage before me do I know enough to continue the journey. And at each step I must remember to seek God’s help in deepening my trust in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior.”

“Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find.”

To His Glory and in His Holy Name

— Don Bagwell

Courtesy of The Church of the Good Shepherd United Methodist