I TRUST IN THEE, O LORD

Two years ago, at the peak of my career, I faced a moral and personal dilemma beyond any I had prepared for or ever expected. The decision I made altered my career and challenged the stability of my small family. From the beginning, I realized my decision and actions would generate anger and resentment toward me.

As I struggled to maintain external poise and decorum, there were times when I felt my inner stamina weakening. During these times I prayed for those who were angry and vengeful. I also knew from Bible scripture that I must go to the "well" to draw the resources capable of nurturing the broken spirit within me. And indeed I found no shortage of support and understanding from my church community. Being a determined person, I sought out and received guidance from a number of people and books, ever striving to strengthen myself physically and spiritually.

Although my trust in God was rock-solid throughout this ordeal, what I came to understand was that in spite of all my hard work, I did not have complete faith in my Self. It was my husband Gene who recognized the true source of my troubles when he said, "If you really trusted God, you would have faith in your Self."

His comment struck a nerve. And it was a raw nerve at that. My trust in God didn't waiver as I searched for clarity, but what did begin to change was the way I prayed to God. Instead of praying for God to fix this and fix that, I simply prayed for God to lift my chin. With my chin held high, I can feel proud of the decision I made and believe in my Self as an individual.

It wasn't easy at first, but whenever I caught my mind wandering to past events, I would lift my chin and quietly thank God for having faith in me. With complete faith in my Self, I have finally been able to move forward and live totally in the future. Yes, it was faith in my Self that I had lost but recovered by trusting the gentle kindness of our Lord.

— Susan J. Warshaw

Courtesy of The Church of the Good Shepherd United Methodist